Revelation in Interruption

Why did these words have to interrupt what I’d been speaking about? An image of getting to my feet and walking out the door frightened me. What was happening in my mind felt foreign, as if I were struggling to learn the grammar of an unknown language. The word unknown surprised me. I was sure I’d intended to think of another word, such as unfamiliar or new. These sentences probably occupied a few seconds of mental time. I was also speaking on the couch, about what had happened over the weekend, when I rode my bike, and part way through the ride realized that I’d forgotten my helmet. It was raining. I went up and down lots of hills. The feeling of vulnerability overwhelmed me when I first realized what I’d forgotten to wear before leaving home. Did part of me want myself to get hurt? I almost wrote: an unknown part of me. I feel as if this paragraph is full of unknowns. What am I writing about? The opening sentence was supposed to introduce what had transpired during my last fifty-minute hour of psychotherapy. I didn’t want to end the last sentence. There was more to say. Psychotherapy has different forms. I’m experiencing the psychoanalytic form, the on the couch form, with the psychoanalyst seated behind me. I didn’t have to hurry in talking about forgetting to wear my bike helmet. The couch would see me again this week, several times. Interruptions in my own speech have been happening more frequently on the couch. The ensuing disorientation passes. I imagined writing ensure instead of ensuing. I must have wanted to become certain about something. Did I want to ensure that I would become disorientated? I’m disoriented as I write this sentence. This might be how I felt during the session, when suddenly I found myself speaking about my head without a helmet. There must be some sense in all of this. There’s form to this kind of writing. Perhaps if I keep listening to the words in my head the form will reveal itself. I feel as if I’m on a bike without a helmet, or on the couch experiencing my own verbal interruptions. What might happen next? Another sentence might tell me.

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